Fish Lovers

Superheroes were everything when I was little…

But… Aquaman… well Aquaman was just… how can I put this lightly? Worthless.

And so was his archnemesis Black Manta. Seriously, do you even know who he is? Does anyone even care who Aquaman is? And so we have one a superhero and one a super villain. But, are either of them truly super? Are they heroes? Villains?

I never read comic books as a child, but I knew a ton about superheroes for some reason or another. It was probably all those TV shows and maybe just word of mouth with my other friends, but we sure knew about them. We knew them like the back of our hands, like we knew the trench run of the Death Star, like we knew baseball and apple pie and Suburbia.

Except, Aquaman was never really in that equation. Sure, we knew of him, but he was never in the forefront of our minds or our imaginations. Superman was there, Batman, Wolverine, Spider-man, The Incredible Hulk, even Nightcrawler, Gambit and Godzilla. No, Aquaman was a non-entity, someone not even worth mentioning… he was just sort of weird and quaint and with powers that were pretty damn crappy. Even when we were playing in the pool he didn’t come up… the one place where he might have been a bit of use. And that’s the saddest part of it all. He’s not really bad… just…

Mediocre, I guess.

And isn’t that bad enough in the world of superheroes? These people… these beings are supposed to be gods among men, the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, the greatest… yet, they gave us a fish-man, who doesn’t even look like a damn fish. He could at least look cool… like some sort of Kraken… or turn clear like water? I don’t know, something.

And so we were Supermen and Batmen in the backyard, on the playground and in the pool, while Aquaman wasted away to be ridiculed, because really… as one man once said, to get an idea of how useless Aquaman really is just take a motor boat everywhere you need to go for an entire week.

Aquaman has become a joke, and Black Manta has along with him. Despite how dark the nature of their relationship really is. My only knowledge of their history is gleaned through half a Wikipedia article and about a dozen Super Friends episodes, but I believe that’s enough.

Black Manta was an autistic black kid from Baltimore who liked building sandcastles. One day some fuckers kidnapped him by pulling him onto a boat or something and raped the happiness out of him. He blamed Aquaman because Aquaman is the King of the Sea or something and shouldn’t let shit like that happen… or something along those lines. It’s kind of like how people ask if God exists why does he allow bad things to happen. I suppose it’s because sometimes God’s busy doinking mermaids and playing Marco Polo with dolphins (or maybe it’s the other way around), or at least that’s what I imagine he does in his spare time.

Settle down there, Aquaman

I can’t say I blame the kid for going crazy, he was autistic and what happened to him is just awful, so I’m just going to give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he gave Aquaman some credit, that’s more than the rest of us give the schmuck.

So Black Manta grows up, buys a submarine and assembles a crew of two idiots in blue suits to go kill Aquaman. I’m not sure if he’s actually a villain, or just some psycho who wants revenge, but I guess it doesn’t really matter all that much. He gets foiled a bunch of times, even though Aquaman is a pansy… but then again, Black Manta is retarded.

How can someone who looks so badass be so lame?

Eventually, though Black Manta captures Aquaboy and kills him while Aquaman watches helplessly. Seriously, that’s bad ass as hell. You have to respect the guy for having the balls to do that, especially considering he’s the only person on the planet weaker than Aquaman.

And so that about raps things up, rape, revenge, idiocy, sex with fish. The Aquaman-Black Manta saga has it all. It’s really a shame no one ever gives them any credit. I’m sure they’d just like to be left alone to their cat and mouse game…

“I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade.
He'd let us in, knows where we've been,
In his octopus' garden in the shade.

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus' garden with me.
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade.

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves.
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave.

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found.
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade.

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves.
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe.

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do.
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden with you.” –The Beatles