Watching this movie was like being transported into another world, an ancient world that still had the plague and where rape ran rampant in the streets. This effect was so strong that even the movie theater was transformed into the Roman Forum for a time and ideas and opinions were voiced aloud to the public. I’m thinking of course of when the big dark man behind me lectured his young child about the science of buying pop at the multiplex and followed up with a detailed explanation of the chemistry of sugar and caffeine in relation to the size of an extra large movie-soda bucket. Or when a particularly articulate bright woman voiced her dismay over the metaphor in the film that related a goblet with a vagina. Though, I must admit, this is one comparison I myself found confusing- one is a totalitarian object, the other is a drinking cup, the similarities are few. Or perhaps it was the voice of reason in the theater that called for “More titties!” and urged the hero further in his battle with a supportive shout of “Go get em Gay-owulf!” which completed this feeling of time travel for me. All I know is that for a time I was an artist and an aerator, seated with the greatest minds of my time observing a drama I supposed would rival those of Sophocles and Ennius. But alas, this film’s greatness, like it’s moral message, must have been in 4-D while the glasses they gave me could only see 3.
Full of fight scene, naked men and golden women Beowulf seems to have everything going for it: George McFLy in a screaming tantrum, a shinny Laura Croft, a five and a half foot tall Gimli. How could it loose? How could so much nudity and blood become excessive so quickly? How could the amazing 3-D effects feel so gimmicky? Beowulf is the ultimate concept combining all the glory and imagination of the two greatest legends to be placed on celluloid in the past twenty years, Shrek 2 and 300. And yet, with all it’s superb dialogue (“I…Am…SPARTA! Er…I MEAN BEOUWULF”) and it’s dazzling cinematography (Zemeckis is a master at playing hide the salami) Beowulf still fell flat on it’s face.
As a side note to anyone considering doing anything in 3-D. Yes, I know we live our lives in 3-D, but seriously, I don’t go to movies to feel like I’m in real life, I go to them for the exact opposite reason. All 3-D does is remind me of how horrible everything is, and how much better war and politics and famine would be if they were only in 2 dimensions. As for the 3-D effect in Beowulf, if the title character is going to spend the whole film naked it makes sense to put it in 3-D, but not if you aren’t going to show his massive war wrought penis even once. Come on, even Bart Simpson gave it up for the pedophiles and closet geeks and he’s a yellow cartoon. Anyways, William Castle’s “Illusion-O!” beats out 3-D any day of the week.
Let’s all get naked and go watch Beowulf.
Caleb Michael, in dedication to John Denyer
2 comments:
I knew you would use the gay-owulf reference somehow in your review! Matt was right too. He always knows these things.
absoulutly beautiful! so vividly acurate and amazing true to it's level in gayness. stunning post!
-TUNA
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