Super Smash Bros. Project: The Sane Picks

I don’t know how good this post will be… or rather, how funny it will be, which is pretty much the same thing when it comes to this. While Paul and Caleb picked characters like “that scientist from Goldeneye” and “the airplane at the beginning of Sonic 3” and “random Star Wars character no one but nerds know about (yes, I’m calling myself a nerd)”, I went with the rational choices and now feel boring. It really says a lot when I’m the sane one in a group, but without further ado, my choices for characters that should be in Super Smash Bros. Brawl (but won’t be)…

1. Conker

Okay, come on… You know you want him in here, along with all the other Rare characters that aren’t in the game because Rare made the worst business decision in video game history and jumped ship to XBOX. You know the ones I’m talking about… Banjo and Kazooie, and um… the chick from Perfect Dark? Anyway, Conker is a squirrel who runs around making raunchy jokes, pissing on things and killing the shit out of stuff, and it’s a really good game to boot. He fits in with all the other cartoony characters in the game, and hell, the first boss is a giant pile of talking crap, so go out and buy it, kids.

Super Smash Attack: Pissing

2. Dr. Robotnik

See… this is what I mean. How is this funny? Oh, I’ll post that weird picture of him, ha ha, so funny… right. It’s not that the man isn’t crazily hysterical, but everyone knows him. He’s the big fat bouncy ball in the spandex with the outrageous orange mustache and the crazy ass eyes. He builds machines and turns furry little animals into robots for some reason… to take over the world maybe? Though I’ve never seen any actual sentient beings in Sonic other than Sonic, Tails and the crew… huh… Moving on, he’s pure evil, but we don’t hate him too much because he always gets foiled by Sonic. He’s like Wile E. Coyote or Bowser, they’re bastards, but they’re lovable because they always fail.

Super Smash Attack: Giant ass robot/mech/jet/helicopter with huge hammer/raygun/lava shooting beam cannon that blows everyone away.

3. Kefka

No, Caleb… not the eighteenth century German writer, that’s Kafka. He’s a crazy ass mother fucker and quite possibly the most deranged villain ever created. He’s a megalomaniacal lunatic who dresses like a clown and laughs “Uwee hee hee!” all the time. What is that even supposed to sound like? Dr. Robotnik turns animals into robots, I’m sure Kefka tortures and disembowels cute furry little creatures in his spare time because he’s that much of a sadistic bastard. I’m sure he rapes newborns and eats the hearts of his foes and doesn’t recycle, not because he has any real reason to, he’s just sick and insane beyond belief. Oh, did I mention one time he destroyed the entire world? And he’s magic… Sephiroth is a whiny little bitch compared to Kefka, it’s no contest. He’s a cross between that lizard monkey in Jabba’s Palace, Charles Manson and Hitler.

Super Smash Attack: Laughing like a maniac as he destroys the world.