Oh boy... this is going to attract some weird visitors. C'est la vie...
You know that weird girl you went to High School with?
The one you always felt kinda bad for until you realized that there was a good reason why no one talked to her?
It’s not that she was a bad person, she was just too weird to have any sort of conversation with.
Now, I know this seems like the pot calling the kettle black.
Hey, I’m not going to deny I’m weird, strange, crazy, dorky, whatever… I embrace it.
I just wrote a piece about Aquaman and Black Manta where I used the phrase “doinking mermaids and playing Marco Polo with dolphins”.
I get that, I accept that, but I know how to interact with others, most people like me.
And if anything, my own weirdness should underscore just how strange that girl is… because, I’m sure most of you know a person like that, but…
Have you ever had a conversation with her about tentacle rape?
Just process that for a few moments. Tentacle rape… weird Japanese Manga about girls… being raped… by tentacle monsters. It’s like that urban legend about Led Zeppelin fucking some girl with a fish, but about four trillion times worse. It’s not that the concept really even bothers me all that much. Sure, it’s weird and disturbing and disgusting, but I’ve seen worse. But to have a conversation about it… with that weird girl… in the middle of class was the most awkward moment of my life.
It all happened one sunny day in history. I was headed to the back of the room so I could plug in my laptop and entrench myself for the three hours of history lecture and discussion that were to follow. I pass by this girl and I’m almost to my seat when I hear my name. Fuck. I had thought I’d gotten through scotch free, but apparently not. Considering I’d been ignorning her pretty well that semester, I felt like I should go see what she wanted. It was quite possibly the worst mistake of my life.
“Do you know about tentacle rape?” she asks me as she looks up at my with squinty eyes.
I stop in my tracks, stare down at her and wonder if I’d fallen down the rabbit hole. “Um… yeah?” I answer, trying to figure out where on earth this could possibly be going and where she learned about humanity from.
She launches into some long spiel about anime and manga, Japan and art and of course tentacle rape (which she doesn’t like, just so you know, but only reads it because the art is good), and a whole slew of other topics that went in one ear and floated off somewhere, probably killing some kittens when their vile forms finally found something good they could destroy.
I stood there horrified, as if in Medusa’s gaze, wondering what was going on upon the page of that “book”… it was like something out of H.P. Lovecraft’s worst nightmares. It was some sort of demon Kraken, as if Cthullu vomited slimy green vines and decided to attack a school full of Japanese vaginas with it.
I understand sexuality comes in all sorts of forms, and I’ve been known to be attracted to fictional things… be them aliens or robots or whatever, but they’re always at least humanoid. But to be attracted by some human, Godzilla-like squid monster that formed from the radiation after Hiroshima? That, I just don’t understand…
But, I just nodded along, agreed with her that tentacle rape was weird and when the torture was finally over I returned to my seat, convinced she was an alien, because the entire conversation just could not have come from a human being.
Dr. Zoidberg's dream girl
11 comments:
1. i have a few good guesses. actually, just one.
2. yes, i HAVE had a conversation about tentacle rape before. there's actually a whole gallery of old (and new, for that matter) japanese tentacle porn in the museum of sex.
1. Worst mistake of your life? As your self proclaimed best and closest friend, you've made worse, but not by much.
2. She doesn't like tentacle rape, but did she say anything about "normal" rape, or does that not phase her? Get to the bottom of that for me, and I'm sure Mark would like to know also.
3. Attracted to fictional things? Do you mean Number 6 and Birdo?
4. And lastly, were you that surprised? She's excited about "gay butt sex!!!" remember?
Yep, you've reached a new level of weirdness here: both funny and creepy and, wow, that must have been awkward.
Congrats on that
Uhh...wasn't I supposed to be the one who talked about rape?
Okay, seriously...there is only one person this could be about. I swear I know who it is.
Bias, we must discuss this to see if I'm right.
Also, I'm fairly certain that the "urban myth" of Zep fucking somebody with a fish is, at least, partially true.
we got 55 visits the day this came out. Sex brings people to BSD.
the ironic thing is a bunch of my classmates were holding a rather lengthy discussion about tentacle rape just yesterday in lecture...
I have seen some wierd things in my life. But, I would have LOVED to have a Tentacle Rape conversation with someone. Albeit, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing until I fell down and drowned in my own tears.
That has to be the saddest thing ive ever heard. my sympathy to you mat. But i still think it would have been the funniest thing to overhear.
A topic of discussion that is slowly becoming the biggest cartoon erotica attraction. People have their fantasies, just leave it at that. Sex is like an emotion, everyone has the emotion and it triggers differently between people. Plain and simple, now to make a statement about being "weird" for discussing it... your a fool for not recognizing the understanding behind it.
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