Scully

It’s funny how everything can change so quickly. People come and go like waves washing over a beach, slowly eroding the sand castle that you spent so much time building, slowly breaching those walls you put up. Feelings appear and vanish, transform and regress, sometimes without even your realization. It’s impossible to pinpoint any of it, especially when those sharp feelings recede into vague recollections. At least the lessons learned remain, even if you don't always follow them, and those memories that once brought pain and uncertainty are nostalgia-drenched to happiness. Sometimes I feel that is how I wish to view everything, through the lens of five years in the future where everything is shaded like a sepia picture. It would be so much nicer then, so surreal, like the plot of some Hollywood movie.

It’s funny how one little moment can change everything, how an event can make you see things so differently, how you can be so certain of a thing one week and be lost the next. When a crushing loss can mean the opening of new doors, the realization of new happiness is it possible to predict anything? Should it be that way? Is it fate, or just the spin of the roulette wheel?

It’s funny how words on a glowing screen can encapsulate so much, can be so important given everything. How they can bring hope and comfort, and how the human mind seems to always seek that out wherever it is available.

It’s funny how friendships can change so much, yet be stuck at the same point they once were because of something totally out of your control. When you’ve known someone for seven years it’s hard to change, anyhow, even if things are different than they used to be. At least that familiarity is comfortable, the knowledge of your feelings is reassuring, and you have someone to talk to who never gets mad or annoyed at you. At least you know that you’re wanted, that you’re loved, that you belong. At least you have Star Wars, The X-Files, baseball and sitting in front of a computer until four in the morning because you can’t bear to tear yourself away.

At least someone misses you…

“I was saddened when I first got back this evening and you weren't around.”

It’s funny how a sentence can change everything, can make you think so differently, even when you had already realized that those feelings exist. Sometimes you just need a kick over the edge. Even if everything is so uncertain, even if the distance feels insurmountable and even if fear creeps in where it never was before, it doesn’t change anything. It’s best to just close your eyes and enjoy the sound of her laugh and the warm feeling in your soul. At least you have happiness that way; at least you can smile. That’s what matters, because eventually all those other feelings will be wrapped up in a nice coat of nostalgia anyway.

Even if nothing ever comes of it all, and the odds don’t seem good that it will, you at least have those memories, you have joy. Even if there are so many coincidences, so many things that would have to go right for it to end as it was meant to, it doesn’t mean it can’t end happily. And who knows, perhaps there is something to all that fate stuff after all. I know that’s what they tell me in the movies. Besides, I would rather my life turned out like Field of Dreams, in any case.