Chewing the Fat- a closer look at Jek Porkins

(I hadn't planned on posting this here to BSD but with the questioning of my allegiances by a coauthor who's name I won't mention and the additional coverage it's found around the scene I might as well included it in what looks to be another slow week. Thanks are owed to Paul of Careful With that Blog, Eugene who originally posted my Porkins exposé and Fletch of Blog Cabins who was cool enough to pick it up and send it along its merry way in syndication.)

What's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Jek Tono Porkins is a useless piece of shit. Of all the characters in the Star Wars Universe he is without doubt the largest waste of space. In a world where any character (no matter how small their part in the original films) can find immortality and depth in the Extended Universe, Porkins is the exception that proves the rule. His appearances beyond A New Hope are all limited to the cockpit he died in, most likely because he was stuck in it, and half of these are by mention only. He is a stock character. Like the running buffalo reel, Porkins is pointless filler. Fat filler.

Porkins, like Luke, once flew a T-16 before becoming part of the rebel movement. Like Luke he was a friend of Biggs Darklighter’s before he too died. However, Porkins, unlike Luke, was a fat piece of shit and an awful pilot. Looking at him in the cockpit, jiggling up an down, you have to wonder how he ever got into it. Or, if perhaps the reason he hasn’t been portrayed outside his role in Red Squadron is because he was in fact stuck inside his starfighter, his ass grown into the circuitry and all. Why didn’t he eject like Darklighter told him to? Because he was stuck!
His mass begs the question: did Rouge Squadron not have some sort of physical standard to which their pilots were held to? I mean I understand that they were hard up for flyboys but even Porkins proved to be less capable in the Battle of Yavin than did Luke, and it’s most likely Luke hadn’t even flown a starfighter before. I understand the retirement rate for Red Squadron pilots is about the same as the retirement rate of Italian Formula 1 race car drivers but it seems that there should be some standard- after all these men are being given expensive and precious equipment in the Rebel fight against the Empire. It seems they should be able to keep them inflight for at least the frist two minutes of an attack.

Porkins’ Wookieepedia entry is a testament to the utter uselessness of the fat fucker. Half of the article is dedicated to trying to make sense of his death and explain away his incompetence as a rebel pilot- "Though his X-wing fighter was maneuverable enough to avoid the Death Star's sluggish turbolasers, a mechanical malfunction hampered his ability to dodge enemy fire. Jek always set his acceleration compensator to full power, and unfortunately in this case it caused him to misjudge his altitude. He needed a short break to restabilize, during which one of the Death Star turbolaser emplacements was able to home in on him and shoot him down."

An X-wing’s maximum acceleration in 3,700 Gs and has a maximum speed of 1,050 km/h but even in the weightlessness of space Porkins’ fat ass was heavy enough to fuck him over, slow him down, drop him too low and get him shot. The only “malfunction” Porkins experienced was a glandular malfunction of fatness and sucking.

The Star Wars franchise is notorious for creating figures in its toy line that are almost impossible to play with like Bacta Tank Luke (ohh, fun) and Count Dooku hologram (fucking pointless) but the Porkins toy takes the cake, just like Porkins. Nothing is better than a toy of a fat, clumsy, dead pilot. Even the barfing Jabba the Hutt offers more backstory and possibilities for fun than Porkins. I remember one Christmas morning when I was about 10 or 11 when my brother unwrapped his big gift and it was a X-wing starfighter with flashing lights, launching missiles, and an array of movie sounds. And then I opened my gift. What was it? Disappointment. I’d been given what I thought must have been the worst possible toy to give a Star Wars child: a TIE Fighter. Why was it such an awful gift? Because it, like its movie counterpart, was only good at doing one thing - dying. That’s all it did. Instead of flashing lights, shooting missiles and making realistic sounds from the movie it instead blew up. It literally fell apart one wing at a time, again and again and again right in your hands. I couldn’t have been more upset. If I only knew now what I didn’t know then. If I had been given the choice of an enemy ship who’s extent of fun was epic failure or a dumpy little Porkins figure AND an X-wing I would have picked the TIE Fighter. That is how worthless Porkins is, the piece of shit.

But don’t get me wrong; I don’t think he’s an awful Star Wars character because of his fatness. I think Porkins is an awful Star Wars character because he died almost immediately into the Battle of Yavin...and his fatness.

Porkins is an obese turd in an orange flight suit. It’s even in his name, Porkins- porky, piggy, swine, shit lover. It’s kind of insulting. Was Plo Koon black? No. Was Wenton Chan asian? No. So why did they have to name the fat guy Porkins? Lucas might of well as just called him Tommy Lardnova or Dic Muncher.

What’s in a name? that which we call Porkins by any other name would be so fat.

CML

(for more Awful Star Wars characters visit CWtB,E.)

My letter to Wendy

"Wendy's International,
Inc.
One Dave Thomas Blvd.

Dublin, OH 43017

Dear Wendy’s Corporation,

Tonight, at 11:50 P.M., I attempted to walk through the drive ‘‘thru’’ at one of your locations and was denied service. When I asked if my money was no good at the establishment for some reason I was told that no, it was in fact very good, if only I were in a car. After asking to see a manager this point was reiterated to me through a closed drive ‘thru’ window with no further explanations.

Several minutes later, after walking a short half-mile home, I got into my car and drove myself back to your restaurant. After waiting ten minutes in line I paid, with exact change with US bills issued by the Federal Reserve, $3.81 for a Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I also asked to speak to the restaurant’s manager. When the manager opened the drive ‘thru’ window to me I informed her that I had twenty minutes earlier been denied service a the location because I was not in a car and asked her why this was. She informed me in turn that I was denied service because of two safety risks: 1) A footed drive ‘thru’ costumer posed a risk of robbery to the store, and 2) that a footed drive ‘thru’ costumer posed a danger to themselves (as they could be hit, run over, or crushed by other automotive endowed patrons of the drive ‘thru’.)

To these explanations several question has arisen in my head to which I would appreciate your answers. 1) Can I not also rob or “hold-up” one of your Wendy’s locations in a car instead of on foot? Is a footed robber more dangerous than a robber who posses a vehicle which allows for both a speedy get away and the protection of a fortified mobile crime headquarters? 2) If I am struck while on foot or on bicycle while in your Wendy’s location drive ‘thru’ am not I the one at fault? Or better yet for my situation is not the operator of the vehicle that struck me at fault? To that I will also add the clause of point 2.5) If your corporation is at fault when I am struck by a vehicle while standing idly waiting in your drive ‘thru’ are you also at fault when I am rear ended or rear end another patrol of your location while I am in a vehicle myself? If you are at fault for this I think you should consider obtaining a better cabinet of lawyers because I am afraid you are being taken advantage of.

And 3) what am I supposed to do if I do not own an automobile? I consider myself lucky enough to own an automobile and live in this great country where instead of walking a short half-mile to the nearest Wendy’s location I can instead drive myself there. But I must wonder about those poor people who do not share this same luxury as you and I do. The manager of your Wendy’s location informed me that the dinning room in open until 10 o’clock. Are patrons who do not own a car unable to eat at your restaurants after 10 o’clock P.M., is there money ‘no good’ after a certain point in the evening? (I would like to point out as well that this very day I paid more for a gallon of gasoline [$4.17] than I did for the Spicy Chicken Sandwich I bought from your restaurant [$3.81]. However, this a price I am wiling to pay for the deliciousness of the soggy chicken and white welted lettuce of your restaurant’s chicken sandwiches. While I did wait in the drive ‘thru’ line for ten minutes I made sure to turn off my engine as I did because while I do not mind paying the price in money to drive to your restaurant I do mind the ecological impact it may have on the planet.) It is for this reason that I would also like to add the clause to my third question of question 3.5) Are you in anyway associated with ‘Big’ automotive or ‘Big’ automotive lobbyists?

And my fourth and final question: Would you walk somewhere you could drive?

Thank you.

C.M., private citizen"

License Plates

I overreact about a lot of things... I don't know why. I think maybe I hate change, I think I might just be that unstable. I probably should chose my battles better, I suppose I should let the little things go, but I can't...

The State of Michigan is issuing new license plates to everyone for some reason (no, I don't give a fuck what their reason is), and I just got mine in the mail. It's plain... blue characters on a white background. It says Michigan and something else, I don't know... I don't care. It's stupid. Why would they give us a license plate that looks just like Ontario's? Ontarians are the only people who even visit Michigan on a regular basis! As for the other option... with the green city/tree scape and the whatever else... it's just dumb.

Anyhow, the point of this all is that I'm going to miss my old blue plate with the white letters... and I'm going to miss seeing all those blue plates on the roads. To me they were Michigan, they were my childhood... and now they're both dead just like everything else in this god damned state.

Beowulf: Worst Movie Ever

Somehow, Beowulf received a 70% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I can only assume that they are very easily distracted by shiny objects...

The movie I watched was a clusterfuck of blind drunk Norsemen, zombies, blood, gore, rape and stilettos made of golden ooze. And while that sounds like a pretty kick ass movie, it wasn't, and I'm not even positive why. It wasn't the fact that they totally disregarded the epic poem the movie was supposedly based upon (they followed the plot loosely up until the fight with Grendel and then I think they might as well have been going off of A Handmaid's Tale for how well it followed form), because they totally just said screw that shit.

Perhaps they were just too busy to staring at how pretty the animation was to actually write an adequate script, perhaps it was written after the writer's strike began, maybe they just figured people wouldn't care. Obviously, I'm the only one who did from the glowing reviews the movie has gotten.

I'm not even sure how they fucked up this movie. It's the greatest hero of all times fighting monsters and then sacrificing himself in a blaze of glory for his people. How do you mess that up?! Oh, that's right... by not following the story, ripping off every action movie ever made (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, 300, Braveheart, etc, etc), having a bunch of actors put together wooden performances with an awful script. Was anyone inspired by Beowulf's speeches? I've never been less inspired in my life. The entire movie can be summarized in one scene where Beowulf is swallowed by a sea monster and jumps out through the creature's eye, sword slashing, dripping with gore and yelling "I am Beowulf!". There, I saved you the pain of seeing it yourself.

The message of the whole ordeal is something along the lines of "don't think with your dick", instead of the ideals of courage, arrogance and excellence that the poem is based upon, but even that message is muddied. Beowulf messed up and fucks Angelina Jolie (who the hell can blame him?), but never really gets punished for it in the end. His son goes crazy and almost kills some of his loved ones, and maybe kills some random soldiers or something and breaks a stone bridge, but so what? Beowulf sacrifices himself to stop the dragon, but it's too little too late... the whole mess is Beowulf's fault anyway and we're supposed to believe he got a raw deal for dying at a ripe old age as a king? It just doesn't mesh. The Norse ideals make for a much better movie, anyhow.

I could go on and on ripping this film apart over historical inaccuracies, literary inaccuracies, things that defy physics and common sense, awful acting, bad writing, but in the end none of that even matters all that much as long as the movie is exciting. But, that's the thing... it's not. There are fight scenes, but they aren't very intriguing... there are a couple of battles, but you don't really see much of what is going on. The saddest part is that I could forgive this movie all it's sins except for the simple fact that it's not fun. It has to be to work. It's simply sad when the best part of a movie is the fat man behind you yelling "Go get 'em Gay-owulf!".

Beowulf… more like “Gay-owulf”…

Beowulf is very redundant movie. A very action packed, intense, thrilling, exciting, fierce, powerful movie; with one ripping, tearing, slashing, gouging talon and teeth filled scene after another. Also, the movie has Jesus in it, and golden boobs.

Watching this movie was like being transported into another world, an ancient world that still had the plague and where rape ran rampant in the streets. This effect was so strong that even the movie theater was transformed into the Roman Forum for a time and ideas and opinions were voiced aloud to the public. I’m thinking of course of when the big dark man behind me lectured his young child about the science of buying pop at the multiplex and followed up with a detailed explanation of the chemistry of sugar and caffeine in relation to the size of an extra large movie-soda bucket. Or when a particularly articulate bright woman voiced her dismay over the metaphor in the film that related a goblet with a vagina. Though, I must admit, this is one comparison I myself found confusing- one is a totalitarian object, the other is a drinking cup, the similarities are few. Or perhaps it was the voice of reason in the theater that called for “More titties!” and urged the hero further in his battle with a supportive shout of “Go get em Gay-owulf!” which completed this feeling of time travel for me. All I know is that for a time I was an artist and an aerator, seated with the greatest minds of my time observing a drama I supposed would rival those of Sophocles and Ennius. But alas, this film’s greatness, like it’s moral message, must have been in 4-D while the glasses they gave me could only see 3.

Full of fight scene, naked men and golden women Beowulf seems to have everything going for it: George McFLy in a screaming tantrum, a shinny Laura Croft, a five and a half foot tall Gimli. How could it loose? How could so much nudity and blood become excessive so quickly? How could the amazing 3-D effects feel so gimmicky? Beowulf is the ultimate concept combining all the glory and imagination of the two greatest legends to be placed on celluloid in the past twenty years, Shrek 2 and 300. And yet, with all it’s superb dialogue (“I…Am…SPARTA! Er…I MEAN BEOUWULF”) and it’s dazzling cinematography (Zemeckis is a master at playing hide the salami) Beowulf still fell flat on it’s face.

As a side note to anyone considering doing anything in 3-D. Yes, I know we live our lives in 3-D, but seriously, I don’t go to movies to feel like I’m in real life, I go to them for the exact opposite reason. All 3-D does is remind me of how horrible everything is, and how much better war and politics and famine would be if they were only in 2 dimensions. As for the 3-D effect in Beowulf, if the title character is going to spend the whole film naked it makes sense to put it in 3-D, but not if you aren’t going to show his massive war wrought penis even once. Come on, even Bart Simpson gave it up for the pedophiles and closet geeks and he’s a yellow cartoon. Anyways, William Castle’s “Illusion-O!” beats out 3-D any day of the week.

Let’s all get naked and go watch Beowulf.

Caleb Michael, in dedication to John Denyer

Street Car named NORAD

Bus Drivers have got to be some of the scariest people on the road. Strike that, on the earth.
Giving a bus driver a bus is like giving someone a scud missile to ride around on all day.
I’m honestly scared for my life. It is insane the people they give these jobs to as it is. Have you ever met a bus driver? What do they have to lose?!
And then we stick them with annoying kids and lost old people and incorrect change and we sit at the back and forget our stop and tug on the emergency stop rope till they crack. And it isn’t like these people aren’t already wound tight. You try being on a schedule that stiff all day, every day.
Giving anyone a bus-driver-license is like hiring someone who is on suicide watch to work the night shift at NORAD. You’re just asking for trouble.

I’ve seen the Die Hard movies. I’ve watched Speed and Sword Fish, I know just what a bus can do. Nothing stops a bus; not buildings, not people, not even other scud missiles or other busses or bombs.

I don’t care about the free tuition.
Anyways, I’d much rather just have my roommate die and get a four point for a semester. That’d be pretty nice. That'd be Easy Street.

Caleb, on the no-stop night shift