When the Weather outside is ...

A friend sent this my way. The designer has a delightfully fun website with a great collection of projects.

Put in a city anywhere in the world and this site will tell you the weather conditions there with a star wars planetary analogy. My favorite part about each forecast is that there is a little warning at the bottom pertaining particularly to the planet and it's involvement in the Star Wars movies.



Whatever you do though... don't search for somewhere that does not exist unless you're prepared to be very, very, sad.

Ackbar for Christmas

Merry Christmas form my mom. The Amigurumi (or crocheted doll) below was made by her.

"We have no choice General Calrissian! Our cruisers can't repel cuteness of this magnitude!"

After she'd completed my Cthulhu, the pattern for which came from Creepy Cute Crochet, she asked me for a gift idea for my girlfriend. And of course I thought who is there better to immortalize in amigurumi than my second favorite aquatic killing machine, Admiral Ackbar, the true hero of the Rebellion. After some quick interwebing I found that an amigurumi of Ack already existed, however the pattern did not. Lucky my old lady's a wiz and whipped one up in no time herself.
She also had time to make Matt his own Cthulhu, who is slightly more menacing due to his longer and larger tentacles. I'm working on a pattern to make an even better Cthulhu so if anyone has any ideas of what might make a creature of unspeakable horrors like Cthulhu more unspeakably horrible please try and find someway to articulate it in the comments. Also, if you have any other ideas of who or what might make a nice Amigurumi let us know.

Here's a delightful little song that Matt's girlfriend Stef (of Snowden's Secret) wrote about his new Cthulhu-

"Who had a head that is full of fluff?

C'thul-lu, C'thul-lu!

Who has beans up in his butt?

C'thul-lu, C'thul-lu!"

Advisory Committee

Seeing Caleb and I don't believe that most of our friends should be in charge of their own lives (yes, I just realize I've alienated our only audience), and seeing as President-Elect Obama will soon be putting together his Cabinet, I decided it would be great to put together a group of advisors for BSD, to show people just how it's done. We've tried to select individuals from across the political spectrum (good, evil and morally ambiguous), in an attempt to support multi-partisanship. These men, women and creatures will lead BSD into a new era of peace and prosperity, one of increased readership, more frequent posting and conquest. It shall be our moment in the sun!

Foreign Minister: Thufir Hawat

He is a mentat and thus amazing. With computer-like intelligence and unwavering loyalty, Hawat is perfect for almost any role. He is used to court intrigue and should be right at home in this position.

Minister of Defense: Admiral Ackbar

It's not hyperbole to say that Ackbar is one of the greateest military leaders ever to live. He overcame a lot of prejudice (being a squid-thing and all) to get where he is and has truly excelled in his position. Leading the Rebel Navy against the Empire with a million times the resources and winning? I'm not sure anyone has done more with less. Ackbar is a brilliant strategist and besides he has a cool chair. Also, no one is better at spotting traps.

Minister of Information: Lex Luthor

While, this may seem a controversial pick and somewhat at odds with BSD's own pro-Superman position, you cannot argue with the success that Luthor has had in his life. The man got himself elected President even though he was a super villain, and one time on Super Friends he convinced the country that Superman, Batman and crew were stealing priceless artifacts. He could sell swampland in Florida, ice to an Eskimo, condoms to... oh, hell, nevermind.... Anyway, he's a genius and his purple jumpsuit is simply kickass.

Minister of the Interior: Rick Deckard

In a future where robots are trying to kill us, Deckard will be irreplaceable. BSD is simply preparing for this inevitability. He has years of experience as a law enforcement officer, and iss always complaining about wanting to retire. A cushy government position should be perfect.

Minister of Finance: Smaug

This was a very hard decision to make, as I thought long and hard about giving this spot to Richie Rich. However, in the end I decided that I needed to put someone with more experience in this position. Sure, many blame him for losing all the gold to a bunch of Dwarves and a Hobbit, but it was hardly his fault. They had fate (not to mention a Wizard) on their side. Besides, he had that mountain of treasure for hundreds of years, not everything can last.

Minister of Education: Laura Roslin

Sure, this is a step down from her current position as President of the Twelve Colonies, but I can't imagine anyone better for this position. She even has experience in the office. I'm sure editing papers and such would be a bit mundane for her, but she could get a consulting in a few years.

Minister of Justice: Harvey Birdman

While not a good attorney, or superhero really, for that matter, he has a certain panache that you want in a position like this. Moreover, he has an amazing costume, can fly and has that cool crest on his head, all of which will be very helpful in a position such as this. And an eagle... that's important.

Minister of Health: Beverly Crusher

There was no one who I wished would take my temperature more as a child than Dr. Crusher, and for that alone I think she deserves the spot. She is extremely strong willed, and driven, but also very caring. Years experience as Chief Medical Officer aboard the Enterprise as well as a stint as Head of Starfleet Medical, are about all the experience anyone needs.

Minister of Culture: Mellvar

The wunderkind of the advisory committee and also the least qualified, Mellvar is best known for his run in with the Futurama crew in the episode "Where No Fan Has Gone Before". Despite that, his encyclopedic knowledge of culture (and by that I mean Star Trek) will be vital in this position.

Minister of Agriculture: Edward Scissorhands

This position isn't really all that important unless you're a farmer or really into plants, so I went for the guy who would best trim the hedges, not that BSD has any hedges. But, I'm sure he'd do a fine job mowing the lawn. Though, he is a bit unstable, I think he can get over that problem.

Minister of Transportation: Ringo Starr

I had been considering Megatron for this position for a while, but in the end it had to go to the most downtrodden Beatle. Noe one can deny that he always made the trains run on time as conductor at Shining Time Station. Besides that, he spent a lot of time on the Yellow Submarine and he ran a Magical Mystery Tour for a while. Oh, and he wrote Octopus' Garden... I'm not sure what that has to do with this, but he's really proud of that.

Chewing the Fat- a closer look at Jek Porkins

(I hadn't planned on posting this here to BSD but with the questioning of my allegiances by a coauthor who's name I won't mention and the additional coverage it's found around the scene I might as well included it in what looks to be another slow week. Thanks are owed to Paul of Careful With that Blog, Eugene who originally posted my Porkins exposé and Fletch of Blog Cabins who was cool enough to pick it up and send it along its merry way in syndication.)

What's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Jek Tono Porkins is a useless piece of shit. Of all the characters in the Star Wars Universe he is without doubt the largest waste of space. In a world where any character (no matter how small their part in the original films) can find immortality and depth in the Extended Universe, Porkins is the exception that proves the rule. His appearances beyond A New Hope are all limited to the cockpit he died in, most likely because he was stuck in it, and half of these are by mention only. He is a stock character. Like the running buffalo reel, Porkins is pointless filler. Fat filler.

Porkins, like Luke, once flew a T-16 before becoming part of the rebel movement. Like Luke he was a friend of Biggs Darklighter’s before he too died. However, Porkins, unlike Luke, was a fat piece of shit and an awful pilot. Looking at him in the cockpit, jiggling up an down, you have to wonder how he ever got into it. Or, if perhaps the reason he hasn’t been portrayed outside his role in Red Squadron is because he was in fact stuck inside his starfighter, his ass grown into the circuitry and all. Why didn’t he eject like Darklighter told him to? Because he was stuck!
His mass begs the question: did Rouge Squadron not have some sort of physical standard to which their pilots were held to? I mean I understand that they were hard up for flyboys but even Porkins proved to be less capable in the Battle of Yavin than did Luke, and it’s most likely Luke hadn’t even flown a starfighter before. I understand the retirement rate for Red Squadron pilots is about the same as the retirement rate of Italian Formula 1 race car drivers but it seems that there should be some standard- after all these men are being given expensive and precious equipment in the Rebel fight against the Empire. It seems they should be able to keep them inflight for at least the frist two minutes of an attack.

Porkins’ Wookieepedia entry is a testament to the utter uselessness of the fat fucker. Half of the article is dedicated to trying to make sense of his death and explain away his incompetence as a rebel pilot- "Though his X-wing fighter was maneuverable enough to avoid the Death Star's sluggish turbolasers, a mechanical malfunction hampered his ability to dodge enemy fire. Jek always set his acceleration compensator to full power, and unfortunately in this case it caused him to misjudge his altitude. He needed a short break to restabilize, during which one of the Death Star turbolaser emplacements was able to home in on him and shoot him down."

An X-wing’s maximum acceleration in 3,700 Gs and has a maximum speed of 1,050 km/h but even in the weightlessness of space Porkins’ fat ass was heavy enough to fuck him over, slow him down, drop him too low and get him shot. The only “malfunction” Porkins experienced was a glandular malfunction of fatness and sucking.

The Star Wars franchise is notorious for creating figures in its toy line that are almost impossible to play with like Bacta Tank Luke (ohh, fun) and Count Dooku hologram (fucking pointless) but the Porkins toy takes the cake, just like Porkins. Nothing is better than a toy of a fat, clumsy, dead pilot. Even the barfing Jabba the Hutt offers more backstory and possibilities for fun than Porkins. I remember one Christmas morning when I was about 10 or 11 when my brother unwrapped his big gift and it was a X-wing starfighter with flashing lights, launching missiles, and an array of movie sounds. And then I opened my gift. What was it? Disappointment. I’d been given what I thought must have been the worst possible toy to give a Star Wars child: a TIE Fighter. Why was it such an awful gift? Because it, like its movie counterpart, was only good at doing one thing - dying. That’s all it did. Instead of flashing lights, shooting missiles and making realistic sounds from the movie it instead blew up. It literally fell apart one wing at a time, again and again and again right in your hands. I couldn’t have been more upset. If I only knew now what I didn’t know then. If I had been given the choice of an enemy ship who’s extent of fun was epic failure or a dumpy little Porkins figure AND an X-wing I would have picked the TIE Fighter. That is how worthless Porkins is, the piece of shit.

But don’t get me wrong; I don’t think he’s an awful Star Wars character because of his fatness. I think Porkins is an awful Star Wars character because he died almost immediately into the Battle of Yavin...and his fatness.

Porkins is an obese turd in an orange flight suit. It’s even in his name, Porkins- porky, piggy, swine, shit lover. It’s kind of insulting. Was Plo Koon black? No. Was Wenton Chan asian? No. So why did they have to name the fat guy Porkins? Lucas might of well as just called him Tommy Lardnova or Dic Muncher.

What’s in a name? that which we call Porkins by any other name would be so fat.

CML

(for more Awful Star Wars characters visit CWtB,E.)

We had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh...

~Everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you? 

A few days early, but with the soon arrival of October and Autumn already here BSD figured a change of scenery was in order. And with it begins the slow creep toward Halloween. Expect all sorts of things related.

cml

Alas, poor Yorick!

-posts of true substance to follow...I promises.
cml

Classic

Finals, Kwanzaa, and a poem

Finals are over. Frosty the Snowman is a bitch. And there are less than two weeks until Kwanzaa.  Excited yet?

To wrap this up, here is part three of the star wars content. It's a poem, which kind of breaks some unspoken BSD rules, but it's about star wars and love, and I know that at least Matt and the girl I wrote it for liked it.

A Star Wars poem for Higgy:

You shut down the trash compactors on my detention level.

That is to say, you take my breath away.

And maybe I just want to be your Bothan spy, 

Climbing in your AT-ST,

Hoping we’ll drive home together tonight,

Back to Echo Base or Yavin IV.

And it makes me smile.

No, 

I’m not saying that you are the

Comforts of a Tauntaun.

But you do have the warmness of one.

And a certain bluish glow,

Like Obi-wan on Dagobah.

I’ll sit and watch twin suns with you,

Waiting on Tatooine.

I’ll make the Kessel Run to you,

In less than12 parsecs with 1.21 gigawatts.

And through the haze of snow and sand storms,

Or the clouds of Bespin

I’ll follow you

Like a Tuskan Raider

Would their Bantha.

You found me like a probe droid,

Hit me like a wamprat,

Loved me like an Alderaanian.

And so, I don’t have a bad feeling about this,

Because I think you’re the droids I’m looking for.

So lets party like ewoks,

Live like Rebels, die like Wookies,

And love like only Hoth will ever let us.

(edit)

Caleb Michael, played

What have we here?

While discussing racial subcultures the other day in my humanities course the conversation came around to "Uncle Toms." And, inevitably, Billy D. WIlliams, also know as Lando Calrissian. I tried to defend Lando, explain that he was just an entrepreneur, that the Empire had put the screws to him and he was just doing what he had to at the time but came through in the end. Boy was I full of shit. Because, the truth of the matter is, Lando might just have been the most stereotypical character in all the star wars films. Being the only black guy in the whole of George Lucas' universe isn't easy though and I think he is due some credit. As a non-alien black guy Lando was single handedly representing an oppressed and stylized culture. Even while surrounded by british Nazi's and teenage Trotskyites, Billy D was cool and clean, full of sexual chocolate, pimping a pimp cape and ordering white guys around. Yeah, Lando might have been an uncle tom, but shit, he was just protecting his own black ass.

Or maybe he was just into white meat. I don't know. Either way, George Lucas is a racist, Lando is a pimp, and Billy D WIlliams is as smooth as cocobutter.

What have we here?

Caleb, of Jason and the Ugnaughts

part 2

The Simpsons:

Finals Week

It's getting around to that point again. There is a reason why Matt and I list our occupations here on BSD as "student." It's so that when finals week draws around there is an explanation for why I don't have much new to say. There is so much I want to write about this week, but I think instead I'll just fill it with star wars content. Please enjoy, and I'll see you on the light side.
The Alderaanian

part 1
The Boondocks:

The Super Smash Bros. Project

With the advent of Super Smash Brothers Brawl close approaching we here at BSD decided to team up with CWTB, E and make a few bids for characters which felt should be featured in the game. Here are my three picks for Super Smash Brothers Brawl, if I had it my way:

1. Prince / The Artist formerly know as Prince:

As a response to the over abundance of Zelda characters in the Smash Bros. lineup (Link, young Link, Sheik, Zelda, Ganondorf, and Pit [who although not a Zelda character is essentially Link with wings]) Prince and The Artist formerly know as Prince are the perfect adversaries. A more magical and imaginary pair of fighters cannot be found. I know what you are thinking, “But BSD, Prince and The Artist aren’t in any video games?” This is true, but they should be. If Aerosmith can be in Revolution X, at least one incarnation of Prince should have a game.

Super Smash Attack: Purple Rain, ability to change sex and name, and blasts of ecstasy from the Symbol of Love Guitar.

2. Nien Nunb:
Torn straight form the screens of Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Nien Nunb is the smooth and skilled Sullustan co-piloting the Millennium Falcon with Billy D. Williams. Quick reflexes and amazing spatial reasoning Nien Nunb is a keen opponent and fittting match for any fox or Scotsmen. Nunb’s presence in Super Star Wars can be contested due to the inability of anyone to confirming his role in the game. This is largely because no one can make it far enough into the game to be sure he shows up. It is also contested if these levels were ever even programmed. However, would Lucas Arts allow such a grievous error in cannon as forgetting this perky Sullustan? Oh wait… Anyways, Nien Nunb: if Eli or you were an alien, this is who you both would be.

Super Smash Attack: De dedo du.

3. Bizarro:

Bizarro Superman, the perfect imperfect clone of superman. Or, if we are to go pre crisis, some sort of alternate reality Superman, or something, who knows. Easily the most misunderstood character in all of literature, trumping Jaques, Macbeth, and Darth Vader. No one can ever really tell where Bizarro is coming from; he is a raving lunatic and a tragic ill-guided hero, a suicidal child and prince of good intentions. Why is he Smash Bro. material? He’s bluish, can shoot ice from his eyes, and can kick anyone’s ass that Superman can. With Bizarro whether he’s winning or losing, he’s still winning.

Super Smash Attack: BIZARRO AM WINNING ALL GAMES!

Characters of Honorable Mention:
Al Gore-First Emperor of the Moon and his Moon worm,
Kafka-Half man half bug,
Alucard, HE'S A DRACULA!

Check out Paul's choices over at Careful With that Blog, Eugene. The link is in the side bar. Matt's picks are sure to follow and also the absolutely bat shit insane conversation where all these decision were made. I recommend reading as much as you can, it's sure to scramble minds.

YKSnilalmc, winner of all the games

Profiles in Courage: Paul Arrand Rodgers

If you frequent this blog at all, you know about Paul, the mighty slayer of infidels. He's the purveyor of the chaotic mass of articles, youtube clips and lolbots that are not actually robots that he calls Careful With that Blog, Eugene. The man now has five blogs... I think, that's Caleb's count and I haven't really been able to verify that. For all I know, he has more. Obviously being inside enemy territory for so long has scrambled his brain and messed up his inhibition unit. We at BSD, think this multiple blog policy is atrocious, mostly because it forces me to click on multiple links... and besides, there is no navigation from one blog the next on CWTB, E (the comma in the acronym was Paul's idea). How the hell am I supposed to read all this stuff? While my motives might be selfish... he must be stopped! Seriously...

Five blogs?! This has to be some sort of plot to wreak psychological havoc against all who oppose him. Frankly, we here at BSD are just glad we're on good terms with the madman. Having known Paul for far too long, I have come to the conclusion that one should never believe a word that comes out of his mouth before carefully weighing it over yourself... because chances are he's either making an insane joke, trying to bullshit you into thinking he knows what he's talking about, or trying to convince you of something. Maybe he should start a blog of the outrageous statements he makes... I just think he should pack it in and join BSD, frankly, but I'm sure it'd require a signing bonus we couldn't afford. But, I digress. The real point of the post was to stand in slack jawed wonder at the awesomeness that is Paul Arrand Rodgers, his unbelievably prolific blogging skills, and the three dozen movie scripts he is writing simultaneously. I'm pretty sure I'm in all of them, too, as every few weeks he comes to me with a new idea and a new character based off of me. But Paul... as Caleb refers to him, "The Jolly Green Giant" is an unstoppable force of utter insanity and puppets with no fear of copyright law or the sensibilities of weaker individuals. The man even got hit on in the comment section of his blog, how pimp is that? Speaking of which, if you are that girl, please contact the BSD staff, e-mail link is over on the left hand side of the blog.

Paul is the jovial mastermind behind such cultural phenomena as "The Wal-Mart Theologian", "The Posse of the Future: because one day the future will come and you can say 'hey, I belonged to that posse'" and "Fans and Friends of Rod Allen and Mario Impemba". He can create anti-matter with his mind, is capable of crushing ants beneath his shoe, was elected Senator of some small Ohio school or something, and once I saw him beat play Granadia III for a really long time... there was a rabbit in that game, I believe. He's a colossus, a chimera, a cross between Adam West's Batman, The Riddler and that crazy blue elephant alien who plays the keyboard at the cantina... okay, I'm not going to lie, I know his name... it's Max Rebo.

I have no idea what I am even saying anymore, this is all just bat shit insane, so without further ado, the blogs:

Careful with That Blog, Eugene is a mass of posts about things with even less structure than BSD. I think that's the point, however, but I'm not sure. As Paul put it so eloquently, "I think CWTB,E is best suited for my longer ruminations on things pertaining to me and awesome youtube videos." Since I've already covered this blog multiple times... just know that it's insane.

Good Things Rendered Crappily takes that insanity to a whole new level, a level that I'm sure most of you are not even capable of comprehending. So don't even bother with the link, you'd just black out or something. I thought this thing was dead after about a week, but apparently it's still going. The blog focuses on 300, Jesus and some Canadians.

Daily Muppet Meditation is a collection of youtube Muppet clips... yeah, not much more that I can say about that one. It's funny. Apparently though, Paul was getting complaints from his rabid fan base about the Muppets messing up the delicate aesthetic of CWTB, E. If the BSD readers ever got that uppity, I would crush them beneath my mighty fist... moving on...

Paul Arrand Rodgers Explains Today's Heathcliff is my favorite of Paul's blogs. I'm not kidding. The idea sounds horrible, because who the hell wants to read Heathcliff? But that's the whole damn point. I'm not sure if this is actually today's Heathcliff, but whatever...

Confessions From a Pair of Church Whores is... um... I'm not really sure, I haven't bothered to read it. This is why you need to cut down on the fucking blogs, Paul! It sounds really sultry, though, maybe I should check it out. I wonder if there are any school girl outfits.

Stumble Thru Myspace is Paul's latest effort that was created after I started writing this damn post... so yes... this is Paul's sixth blog. Um... apparently there is Zelda metal music, which was pretty good. Anything else is pending.

Creative Genius or Guy Sitting on Couch?

There you go... I'm not even sure if any of this is funny, but I do know that I definitely went off the deep end and into a strange place while writing this one. I'm going to go do something normal now... maybe eat a PB and J, or watch TV or something. Until next time...

Crhmit 3pio

Hes in ur bahtrum having ur gai sehx


No ways meh 2.


lolcm, lol kthxbia

Starship Captain

Sometimes I think I should’ve been born in a different era.

People always say that, people always crave change. For some reason, they want something new, something different. The grass is always greener on the other side, and probably dozens of other old sayings that don’t come to mind right at the moment. Sometimes, though, it does seem that it really is greener over there, or maybe it is just greener in fiction. Yeah…

Maybe I would’ve been better off being born in a different reality, something that wasn’t so concrete, something more superfluous, somewhere more magical.

I started re-reading Dune about a week ago. I’m not sure quite what gave me the urge to do it, but I picked it up and started reading it. I think it was some sort of yearning to read an epic space opera... I can't really believe I just used that phrase, but I'm just going to go with it. I would read for a while and then start to feel guilty about doing it and begin to talk myself into reading something that I hadn’t read already. I have a huge stack of books that I want to read this summer, and I was “wasting” time rereading something I had read years ago. I always do this, make reading into some sort of chore and try to “accomplish” something by finishing a book that I don’t really want to. I should just read what the hell I want and stop reading what I don’t enjoy. But, anyhow… I stopped and considered reading something else several more times, but I never did pick anything else up, Dune was just too good.

And then I reached a point that made it all worthwhile, that made me realize just why I was still reading it and why I always listed it among my favorite books. As I was riding north along I-69 in Indiana, I reached some sort of nirvana.

I don’t think it was the words on the page, or even the place in the book that did it for me, but everything just came together in an instant. I realized just how great a book I was reading. It’s so good that I cannot even begin to explain it. I just felt like Paul, knowing that he was moving inexorably to a future he did not want, but being helpless to stop it. It was pure contentment, pure joy and a feeling of intense comfort and satisfaction, as if I was doing the perfect thing, at the perfect time, in the perfect place. I know there are countless people who wouldn’t enjoy reading Dune, many who probably would hate it, even… I know this, it’s not for everyone. I guess it’s plodding at times (but I never find it so), maybe a bit confusing, it’s long and dense, but I guess that’s part of what I love about it. Herbert created a world so rich and huge that it took my breath away even though nothing was new to me. At that one moment, the book was perfect, and the world was so right that I ached to be there myself. I wanted to be on that awful desert world. I wanted to be caught up in all the intrigue and violence of the Imperium. It is the reason I’ve sacrificed hundreds of hours to playing Imperialism, Civilization and Crusader Kings, just trying to reach that place where I feel that I am actually there, that I am actually the commander of armies, the diplomat plotting, the captain of that mammoth starship.

And, I guess it’s the same reason that I love Star Wars so much, the reason that I feel every insane, nostalgic feeling that I do. It’s all about that feeling that I can’t even explain correctly. Those things are more than movies to me, more than books, more than ideas, more than anything that I could ever put my hands on, or watch with my eyes. It is a world, a galaxy that is so ripe and wonderful that I cannot help but yearn to be there. It feels more like my home than this Earth ever will.

But, that’s when I know something is truly great. It simply transcends appreciation. I appreciate good books and movies, and I enjoy many of them, but a certain number of them strike a different chord. Some things I love, and they make me love them. It isn’t a passive experience, but they reach out, grab me by the collar and beat the living shit out of me until I realize their greatness. I feel every pang of sadness, every joyous moment and experience every wonderful adventure as if they were my own. The real world simply has never provided me with anything that real or that grand.

Gah, there I go talking about fiction again, but I just want to be a starship captain when I grow up, dammit.

Star Wars Robot Chicken

There was a Star Wars special on Cartoon Network that aired a couple weeks ago. I meant to post about it then, but I forgot and then things happened... so, I'm just going to mention it now.

Here's a link to the page about it: Star Wars Robot Chicken. It's really funny, especially if you've seen Star Wars, but maybe if you haven't. I found a few parts a little stupid and unfunny, but for the most part it was great.

I'm not sure when it will air again, but I'm sure it will at some point.

Here's a clip from it.

Tantive...V?

Addendum!

I am glad to announce that our voices have been heard. That’s right Rouge Squadron, the efforts of The Corellian and myself are making a difference in this world. Thanks to our insightful observations and keen investigation the world is a better place. What am I talking about?
That damn blaster.

There is it. Steel Black. The way it should be. And even the Star Wars logo is gone.
Now maybe our boys will have a fighting chance.
And I’m just going to ignore that the product itself is now bile green…

-Red Leader

Tantive IV

Why does this Rebel soldier look so pissed off?
Did he miss the Wokkiee celebration of Life Day?
Has his Bantha Milk gone sour?
Maybe he's constipated you wonder?


NOOOOOOO!
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S SHOOTING FUCKING FOAM DARTS! FROM A ELECTRIC-BLUE BLASTER! THAT SAYS "STAR WARS" ON ITS SIDE! WITH AN ORANGE TIP!
AT DARTH VADER!

VADER!

ORANGE TIP!

FOAM!


...and you people wonder how we lost Alderaan...


-The Alderaanian

Tales from the Internets, volume 1

The first in what I hope to be a long running series of articles about... well, crap, I guess you could say. Just hide the kids, shield your eyes, or just don't click on the links. I find the following amusing... and occasionally just sad or weird, but I make no guarantees that you will.

This site really quacks me up (yes I realize that it was a horrible pun, but just think of it as dripping with sarcasm, or you know... just read the "testimonials" on the site and see how painful it all is). Honestly, I'm not sure whether I find these funny, or just sad. This site actually makes money selling these things? There's a market for rubber duckies that look like Jason Kidd or Moses? Could I make money selling figurines of Charlie Chaplin with bunny ears? So many unanswered questions... All that I know is that I definitely want a cow with a duck bill. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not putting duck bills on random animals is stranger than putting them on humans, though.

Moving along now... Google now has the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. Try putting it in the calculator yourself. Just great.

Those Talz can get mighty rowdy when they've had a few too many. Gotta love the Cantina scene.

The truth is out there... maybe. This begs the question of whether Mr. Hellyer is senile, insane, or just missing the lime light. Though, I'm probably more sympathetic to him then I should be thanks to the copious amounts of X-Files that I watch. Where the hell is Mulder when we need him, anyway?

Is that your horn, or are you just happy to see me? Um... I'm at a loss for words. Sick? Wrong? Disturbing? Probably... Fucking hilarious? Yes! I'd put this in the same category as the CelebriDucks except this guy knows it's a joke, whereas those people I'm not so sure about. In any case, I'll never look at a My Little Pony the same again.

And, the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long while... Darth Kitty. No, I don't have anything to say about it.

Thanks to all the people who've sent me these links, though I've probably forgotten who sent me what. I hope you got a laugh... or at least were deeply disturbed from what you saw.

Empire

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...
The Empire Strikes Back


It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has
been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from
their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.

Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters
led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote
ice world of Hoth.

The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker,
has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of
space...


And like that the real epic started. Who doesn’t love those sounds coming from the bouncing probe. Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic. Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic. Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic.


And so the Empire struck back.
They took one man’s hand and another’s carbonite frame. Destroyed one boy’s entire self and crushed a rebellion under a dark leather boot.


Star Wars was something I always knew. It was always with me. Every blaster bolt, every fallen rebel, every wookie cry. The story of Star Wars was an a priori part in my life, like that my parents loved me or that summer was warm and night was dark.
I knew Vadar was Luke’s father like I knew my father was mine.

Maybe it’s the metanarrative, or maybe it’s the magic I saw at the end of Ben’s blue blade, but Star Wars was a part of me.

I was born in Michigan, but I died on Alderaan; and on the first Death Star; and the second. I saw Obi-Wan on Hoth, and Yoda on Endor and every last one of them on my first day of kindergarten.

When the tsunami hit in 2004, I felt that great disturbance in the force, I heard all those voices crying out for help…and heard them suddenly silenced.

There’s something unsettling for a kid when he hears Dak say he feels he could take on the whole Empire himself, and knowing all the while the poor bastard’s going to die with nothing but a pointless harpoon in his hands.
And Honestly, who the hell’s going to need a harpoon on Hoth? Are there even fish there? I can see hunting wampas but not eating one. I don’t think I could eat another humanoid-esq creature. And though I couldn’t see Lefty, Luke’s wampa friend, blush or smile, he certainly had a face. People don’t eat dolphins because they are so effing smart. But, what about bears and monkeys? Sure they aren’t all that smart, but shave a bear or a monkey and I bet you all my sabacc credits they wouldn’t look much different from Vader’s bald humpty dumpty dome. And come on, who’s really all that excited to try tauntaun venison? They smell horrible as it is, and with that cry they make I don’t think I could ever be so heartless as to kill one. But I digress.


-“I thought they smelled bad on the outside”-


Yeah, Han was going to skip out on the rebellion and Leia. And yeah, maybe Yoda was right and Luke wasn’t ready. And yes, Lando might have sold out his friends and been played right into Vader’s cold glove.

But, you know what, you can say what you want about me and the united states of America and the red and whites of the flag, but I’ll be dammed if you’re going to tell me anyone of them had their heart in the wrong place.

Because it’s at my mother and Star Wars that I draw the line in the sand, under one sun or two- I don’t mind!


I don’t know much or why people do what they do, and I didn’t as a kid either, but I did know a few things:


-I knew Wedge was the Man

-I knew Right was right and Wrong was wrong, and which side the Rebels were on, and I with them

-And I knew that a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away something big happened, something important, something that was going to change my life and all of ours

I wish I could say I didn’t know why Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand, or told him he was his father. But I know I do on some level… we all do. I wish I could say there was no good left in Darth Vader, that he’d never be right again, just to make a little more sense of the whole matter of why’d he try to destroy his only son. (But Obi-Wan was right, about two things: 1) Our eyes can deceive us-we shouldn’t trust them, and 2) Anakin was betrayed and killed by Darth Vader.) But I know Darth had some good left in him, I know he was fighting some sort of internal battle too. And maybe, as awful as it was, even his heart was in the right place. But than again…maybe not.

I always knew Star Wars. It was in me. It was a part of me, of life, of childhood. I can remember watching the aged VHS we’d copied from TV. I can remember the bra ad that ran just after the Falcon’d escaped from the first Death Star and Luke and Han fought off the incoming tie fighters.

I can’t remember the first time I heard Vader’s voice telling Luke who he was, or Ben’s when he told who Leia was, or what my mom said when I asked her what “delusions of ‘gransure’” were. But I do remember who the son was, and the sister, and how Han fell back into Chewie’s arms.

I didn’t know how gravity worked, or what a “blast shield” was for (and for that matter I still don’t, but does anyone?), or any line that had a subtitle. And, as much as I wish I could say I knew the good guys were going to win; I didn’t. All I ever really knew was:

-That storm troopers can’t see well

-That light sabers don’t really make sense

-and that, above all, Darth Vader was and always will be Luke Skywalker’s father.


And, it may be sad, but I like that the older I get the more I wish I knew what that feeling of not knowing ever felt like.

So, the Empire struck back, and it struck back hard. But, maybe that’s a good thing, just like my not knowing how it felt to learn Vader was Luke’s father is a good thing. Because challenge provides change. And just like childhood, for me Star Wars is filled with more wishing then any one person will ever have fulfilled in this life. And that’s good, because it means I still have a ways to go. And lets face it, Luke was a pussy, and Han and Leia were pretty bitchy, and Darth Vader was an old man’s bitch. And hey, what kid isn’t one of those at some point in their life?


But through all that it’s nice to know that even if you’re a twerp like Threepio, NO MATTER WHAT, Chewie is there for you. And that’s what we need growing up, some big strong hairy arms to support us after a long stay in carbonite. So frak all the cylons and imp officers and borg cubes and give me my crew, my fleet, my rebel navy! My true friends!


Even if the empire strikes back, even if your dad is what seems like pure evil, even if you’ve never seen Star Wars, and don’t know it, the Force is with you, and every one of us. I promise. So remember, that no matter what, an old pal will always have your back.


Till next time, I’ll see you on the light side
CM
The Alderaanian