BLANK

I had planned on writing a preview for Michigan when I came home on Tuesday. I had planned a bombastic ramble about the virtues and greatness of the Wolverines, of how their glories would be unsurpassed this year, how they would sweep through the teams they played, vanquish Ohio State and I would be on that field at The Big House with the players and my fellow students, running and laughing and without a doubt happier than I have been in my entire life.

Now… now I’m just empty. I feel like a shell of my former self. I cannot even bring myself to type the words that are required to explain what happened. I guess I’ll just post a few links later… it’ll be less painful that way. Besides, I didn’t even see the game, I say helpless and watched the scoreboard online, sat and stared in shocked, unbelieving horror at those numbers. Those impossible, unfathomable numbers.

And as I watched, a knot formed in my gut, no not in my gut, of my gut… and I watched as my one last hope of redemption was shot down, as the defense caved again, as they scored a field goal and as that last field goal was blocked despite being on the twenty. I can only imagine the torture I would have went through had I seen the game live… because I would have been there had I not been here, in Massachusetts. And that’s the crux of it all… I can’t help but feel that this is all my fault, that had I been there things would have been different. Honestly, I know that they would have been.

So now I sit here and stare ahead of me, a day later and feeling no different. I’m not even sure if it has entirely hit me, or even how I am supposed to react. Last years loss to Ohio State was brutal, without a doubt the worst in my life… until yesterday. At least that loss to OSU had meaning, had honor in it, yesterday was just a disgrace. How am I supposed to trust Lloyd Carr’s coaching ability? Or the defense’s ability to stop anything? How am I supposed to trust Chad Henne and Super Mario and Mike Hart to be super heroes and save the day anymore? I am not placing any blame, because I didn’t see the game and only heard a little about it, because I am far past the point of blaming anyone… but, it truly feels like Superman just died.

Simply put, I’ve lost my faith. I’ve lost my faith in story book endings, in the notion that things turn out right in the end. I’ve lost my faith in fate. The Michigan fanbase as a whole is one of the most cynical and self-deprecating there is… probably right after Red Sox nation pre-2004 and Michigan State, but I never was one of those people. I had hope and confidence and the belief that all would turn out right in the end. But, how am I supposed to believe that now? How am I supposed to believe that anything will be OK when the one thing I was always so sure of was ripped apart limb by limb in my absence? I feel like Zeus has smote me with a thunderbolt, that God is laughing at me from somewhere I will never be able to see, that the Fates are cackling madly in Hades. How can I trust anything anymore when my life is controlled by circumstances that I cannot even comprehend, much less influence? I go through life hoping that things will turn out all right, that somehow I will find what I am looking for, but it never seems to come. There is no comfort anymore, just vacant, staring eyes and a rock in my stomach.

If you want to know what I’m talking about, just go to ESPN.com or Yahoo Sports or probably the fucking Wall Stree Journal, too… I’m sure it will be plastered everywhere just to spite me.

Meanwhile, the Michigan blogosphere is in shambles, after about a million (probably more around a thousand… but that’s a fucking lot” comments on MGoBlog, they experienced “technical difficulties”, and now there are a lot of kittens on the site. I think Brian might have gone insane with grief.

RBUAS seems to be down, too.

Everyone else is calling for the end of the world, including Kudron of course. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to read any of these posts for very long, though.

The M Zone
Michigan Sports Center
Michigan Against the World
Kudronia

Lastly, I'll leave you with a quote from my friend from Pennsylvania who I made into a Wolverine, and who I would like to apologize to for the pain I have brought her.

"Can you explain to me how this happened? I was home for the weekend, but even at school we don't get BTN. PA is BTNless. So I am really confused as to how we lost to a team that I can't even place on a map."

...

Half-Mast

A flag stands for so much. History, culture, government, peoples, countries, ideas… It satisfies the universal human need for symbolism, a need to define the intangible with the concrete. It represents so much for so many people.

The flag, the star spangled banner, possibly symbolizes more than any other. It is truth, justice and the American way personified. It’s the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the National Anthem. It’s the 13 Colonies, and all those states. The red, white and blue are the colors of our forbearers and those who helped us gain our independence, and it represents the blood we shed against and with them. It is the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, to the freedom of speech, press, assembly, religion and thought. It is capitalism and liberalism, and the republic. It represents the new School of Hellas. It is imperialism and philanthropy, struggle and triumph, poverty and prosperity, war and peace. It stands for all those who died under it, and all those who died for it. It means so many things to so many people, at home and around the globe and it means so much to me.

There are few things more stirring than seeing the stars and stripes waving against a bright blue sky. It’s a sign of protection, a sign of power, and a sign of right. To me, it symbolizes everything that this country was meant to be, everything I know it can be, the nation’s true soul. I’m not talking about those banal displays of patriotism that you see every day: the cheap plastic flags flying from mini-van windows, the signs stuck in lawns, or the gaudy political bumper stickers. I never found any of that to be honest, or pure. The flag flying high upon a silver pole with a bronze orb perched atop, though, that is purity. Watching those colors flying overhead gives me hope for the future, and a pride at being part of something wonderful. I may not believe that everything the government has done or will do is right, but I believe in what this nation is meant to stand for. There is a difference between a patriot and a fanatic. A love for one’s country and jingoism are not the same thing, and there is not a fine line between them. It’s not the politics I follow, but the ideals espoused by Washington, Jefferson and Adams; it’s simply “We the People... “

Lately, though, old glory hasn’t been flying so high. Lately, it has been languishing at half-mast. Whether it’s for the death of a President, the loss of a soldier, or the mourning of a national tragedy, the flag has been laid low often these past few years. It shows the vulnerability of the flag, of the country itself, and the despair of the people in these times. I know that I for one cannot look at the flag at half mast without getting a hollow feeling in my stomach, without my head falling and my heart sinking. It’s an entirely different language that the flag is speaking in this condition, one of sorrow instead of pride. I believe that it is important to remember what the flag represents, and be affected by what it is telling us. We cannot get desensitized to the sight, because we must look back to remember and mourn, but we must also look forward and create change. We the People... together.