Maid Marian

I've been getting some suggestions lately, which is good... I'm glad to have ideas on what to write about, but normally it just doesn't work that way. To write anything that I consider good, I need to be in the mood to write on the subject... so instead of writing a season preview for Michigan football, or posting funny youtube videos, I'm just going to ramble for a while about a subject that I know nothing about.

I guess it doesn't help that the first lesson of love I remember came from a Disney movie. As a child I watched Robin Hood daily, and a hen always told me that, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I'm not sure if that's true, but maybe if something is meant to be it is. Maybe crocodiles do truly come back if they are yours... or butterflies, if you'd rather. Sometimes, I think that maybe absences just make it easier for the girl to forget about me, to convince herself that it is best to stay apart. I don't know. I never find that that's true for me though, as it seems like I'm always there daydreaming about what I once had. Not having something just seems to make me want it more. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, maybe I was just brainwashed by Disney as a child, but I really don't care. I want to be able to rob from the rich and give to the poor, to dance with the girl in the twilight, the sky lit with fireflies, to scale castle walls and defeat the evil usurper with a cocky grin. I want to be able to look into someone's eyes and know it's right, it's perfect, and that nothing can ever change that.

I'm not sure I have ever felt more confused in my life, yet more certain at the same time. I'm not even sure if I know what that means. I know something is missing right now, but that it's not possible to fix it at the moment. Maybe time really does heal all wounds, maybe things will turn out right in the end, maybe all those things I was told about love and relationships and women are right, maybe they aren't. I really don't know if it matters or not. The oddest thing is that I don't even want to feel better. I know that it's okay to hurt...

"When everything seems like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive."

I know that I could go on for ever, just spewing off movie quotes and love songs, poems and sayings... from Tennyson to The Beatles, and Shakespeare, and Casablanca, but I'm not sure if it would do any good, or even if it would make any of this better. I'm not even sure if it would make any sense. "with your feet in the air and your head on the ground...", "'tis better to have loved and lost..." "O happy dagger!", "here's lookin' at you kid", "pity me that the heart is slow to learn what the mind beholds at every turn", "she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah", "I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all of my life"... It doesn't make any sense in my mind, anyway.

"And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry, please don't think that this was easy"

I know I'm rambling badly, but it's a projection of my thoughts, I suppose I'm almost at stream of conscious at this point. Intellectually, I know that I will be all right in the long run, I know that things will get better eventually, but none of that is penetrating this shell at the moment. Even this writing feels incomplete, but maybe that is just a reflection of my own self.

"I woke up today without my left arm"

Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day...