(I hadn't planned on posting this here to BSD but with the questioning of my allegiances by a coauthor who's name I won't mention and the additional coverage it's found around the scene I might as well included it in what looks to be another slow week. Thanks are owed to Paul of Careful With that Blog, Eugene who originally posted my Porkins exposé and Fletch of Blog Cabins who was cool enough to pick it up and send it along its merry way in syndication.)
Jek Tono Porkins is a useless piece of shit. Of all the characters in the Star Wars Universe he is without doubt the largest waste of space. In a world where any character (no matter how small their part in the original films) can find immortality and depth in the Extended Universe, Porkins is the exception that proves the rule. His appearances beyond A New Hope are all limited to the cockpit he died in, most likely because he was stuck in it, and half of these are by mention only. He is a stock character. Like the running buffalo reel, Porkins is pointless filler. Fat filler.
Porkins, like Luke, once flew a T-16 before becoming part of the rebel movement. Like Luke he was a friend of Biggs Darklighter’s before he too died. However, Porkins, unlike Luke, was a fat piece of shit and an awful pilot. Looking at him in the cockpit, jiggling up an down, you have to wonder how he ever got into it. Or, if perhaps the reason he hasn’t been portrayed outside his role in Red Squadron is because he was in fact stuck inside his starfighter, his ass grown into the circuitry and all. Why didn’t he eject like Darklighter told him to? Because he was stuck!
His mass begs the question: did Rouge Squadron not have some sort of physical standard to which their pilots were held to? I mean I understand that they were hard up for flyboys but even Porkins proved to be less capable in the Battle of Yavin than did Luke, and it’s most likely Luke hadn’t even flown a starfighter before. I understand the retirement rate for Red Squadron pilots is about the same as the retirement rate of Italian Formula 1 race car drivers but it seems that there should be some standard- after all these men are being given expensive and precious equipment in the Rebel fight against the Empire. It seems they should be able to keep them inflight for at least the frist two minutes of an attack.
Porkins’ Wookieepedia entry is a testament to the utter uselessness of the fat fucker. Half of the article is dedicated to trying to make sense of his death and explain away his incompetence as a rebel pilot- "Though his X-wing fighter was maneuverable enough to avoid the Death Star's sluggish turbolasers, a mechanical malfunction hampered his ability to dodge enemy fire. Jek always set his acceleration compensator to full power, and unfortunately in this case it caused him to misjudge his altitude. He needed a short break to restabilize, during which one of the Death Star turbolaser emplacements was able to home in on him and shoot him down."
An X-wing’s maximum acceleration in 3,700 Gs and has a maximum speed of 1,050 km/h but even in the weightlessness of space Porkins’ fat ass was heavy enough to fuck him over, slow him down, drop him too low and get him shot. The only “malfunction” Porkins experienced was a glandular malfunction of fatness and sucking.
The Star Wars franchise is notorious for creating figures in its toy line that are almost impossible to play with like Bacta Tank Luke (ohh, fun)
and Count Dooku hologram (fucking pointless) but the Porkins toy takes the cake, just like Porkins. Nothing is better than a toy of a fat, clumsy, dead pilot. Even the barfing Jabba the Hutt offers more backstory and possibilities for fun than Porkins. I remember one Christmas morning when I was about 10 or 11 when my brother unwrapped his big gift and it was a X-wing starfighter with flashing lights, launching missiles, and an array of movie sounds. And then I opened my gift. What was it? Disappointment. I’d been given what I thought must have been the worst possible toy to give a Star Wars child: a TIE Fighter. Why was it such an awful gift? Because it, like its movie counterpart, was only good at doing one thing - dying. That’s all it did. Instead of flashing lights, shooting missiles and making realistic sounds from the movie it instead blew up. It literally fell apart one wing at a time, again and again and again right in your hands. I couldn’t have been more upset. If I only knew now what I didn’t know then. If I had been given the choice of an enemy ship who’s extent of fun was epic failure or a dumpy little Porkins figure AND an X-wing I would have picked the TIE Fighter. That is how worthless Porkins is, the piece of shit.
The Star Wars franchise is notorious for creating figures in its toy line that are almost impossible to play with like Bacta Tank Luke (ohh, fun)
and Count Dooku hologram (fucking pointless) but the Porkins toy takes the cake, just like Porkins. Nothing is better than a toy of a fat, clumsy, dead pilot. Even the barfing Jabba the Hutt offers more backstory and possibilities for fun than Porkins. I remember one Christmas morning when I was about 10 or 11 when my brother unwrapped his big gift and it was a X-wing starfighter with flashing lights, launching missiles, and an array of movie sounds. And then I opened my gift. What was it? Disappointment. I’d been given what I thought must have been the worst possible toy to give a Star Wars child: a TIE Fighter. Why was it such an awful gift? Because it, like its movie counterpart, was only good at doing one thing - dying. That’s all it did. Instead of flashing lights, shooting missiles and making realistic sounds from the movie it instead blew up. It literally fell apart one wing at a time, again and again and again right in your hands. I couldn’t have been more upset. If I only knew now what I didn’t know then. If I had been given the choice of an enemy ship who’s extent of fun was epic failure or a dumpy little Porkins figure AND an X-wing I would have picked the TIE Fighter. That is how worthless Porkins is, the piece of shit.
But don’t get me wrong; I don’t think he’s an awful Star Wars character because of his fatness. I think Porkins is an awful Star Wars character because he died almost immediately into the Battle of Yavin...and his fatness.
Porkins is an obese turd in an orange flight suit. It’s even in his name, Porkins- porky, piggy, swine, shit lover. It’s kind of insulting. Was Plo Koon black? No. Was Wenton Chan asian? No. So why did they have to name the fat guy Porkins? Lucas might of well as just called him Tommy Lardnova or Dic Muncher.
What’s in a name? that which we call Porkins by any other name would be so fat.
Porkins is an obese turd in an orange flight suit. It’s even in his name, Porkins- porky, piggy, swine, shit lover. It’s kind of insulting. Was Plo Koon black? No. Was Wenton Chan asian? No. So why did they have to name the fat guy Porkins? Lucas might of well as just called him Tommy Lardnova or Dic Muncher.
What’s in a name? that which we call Porkins by any other name would be so fat.
3 comments:
I like how it's tagged "Star Trek."
-FIXED
It was awesome that way.
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